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| this is just me ehe |
Disclaimer!!!
These are all my personal experiences and beliefs. I'm not here to tell anyone to think or do, just sharing what's been real for me :)
~✿~
For the longest time, I kept this hidden, made it complicated in my own head. I never wanted to come off as the most holy or the righteous. And honestly, I was scared of saying wrong things, of messing up something so sacred.
Hablum min Allah—as far as I understand—is simply our connection with Allah Azza wa Jalla.
And if there's one thing I know, it's that He has saved me more times than I count. He knows me better than anyone—better than I even know myself. And when I think about how He always shows up for me, in ways I never expect, just to pull me out of whatever mess I'm in... I just cry...
He's the only one I can fully trust. Without Him, I'd be lost—as lost as I could possibly be.
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| Super Air Jet |
When I was applying to UI, I spent every morning recess in high school praying Duha. I never begged Him to let me in. I put everything in His hands instead by saying 'Ya Allah, if You say so, then only if You say so'. And He gave me all this—things I never even knew I could achieve or become.
I'm crying again just thinking about it...
When I was trying to heal from pain, He reached out to me first. Every time I found myself drowning in overthinking late at night, a single notification, Fajr adzan notification popped out of my phone, and I would rush to meet Him. There were times when I couldn't wait for Salah because there was just so much I needed to tell Him. So many decisions to make. I needed Him to be there, to keep me on track. He was always the leader.
And now I'm crying again...
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| Me and Kakak at Kopi Boemi |
I see Him so many times a day, but it never feels like enough. The peace He gives me is addicting. It's more than joy—it's safety, comfort, security. It makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about.
And I started seeking Him more. Stealing time to make more Duas. That's how I started Tahajjud. Before I was too scared, too unsure, and I didn't even know why. Maybe I wasn't ready for that kind of closeness. Maybe I was afraid of what it would mean. Maybe I was scared of what He would show me. But Tahajjud hit differently. The silence, the serenity—it's something else. And the sleep after, the way the day unfolds after Tahajjud, gives me a kind of confidence I never knew existed. Then there's the Hajat prayer. And Istikharah...which honestly still terrifies the hell out of me. Because really, I get so scared of the unknown.
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| Taraweeh at small surau in Depok |
Of course, my relationship with Him is far from perfect (and that's entirely on me). I've turned my back on Him more times than I want to admit. And yet, He never leaves. I don't understand how He is so forgiving. I feel so bad about myself sometimes. I could cry to Him one moment, then go on with my day and sin the next, yet He persists in being near. I don't even have words for that. What He gives is too pure, too much for someone like me—a sinner like me...
I love to romanticize our connection. He sees right through me. There's no hiding from Him—lying to Allah is pointless. With Allah, I don't pretend, it's just not possible. I show up as my real self. And when I notice small joys in my day, things that seem so minor, I take it as Him saying, 'Look at this. I want you to see it'. When I go through pain, I see it as Him reminding me, teaching me something I wouldn't have learned otherwise. And when I get lost in Dunya, He always wakes me up. So many times it hurts, but He shows me the truth, the real face of things. He pulls me back to Him, back to the reality I should be seeing.
And let me ask you, how is that not romantic?!?!?!?!
~✿~
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| Bonus me & momoy <3 |
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This one ended in quite an emotional way...
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